Resentment is a toxic but telling emotion. To understand what it is telling us, we need to attentively analyze its cause. Usually resentment arises from one of two reasons: exploitation or whininess.

Exploitation: When someone takes undue advantage of us and we let them do so, we become like a moving company employee who is thrust with more than their fair share of weight to carry. To prevent the resulting resentment, we need to become assertive. This doesn’t mean being rude or retaliatory; it means gathering the necessary evidence carefully and confronting the person exploiting us firmly without letting them explain away their behavior. If we stand up to them intelligently, not impulsively, things may become worse for us externally. But it will strengthen us internally and will eventually take us to a better situation.

Whininess: When things go south in a way that we can’t do anything about, our mind becomes whiny, wallowing in self-defeating emotions such as moroseness (Bhagavad-gita 18.35). Whining just increases the misery in our life and in the lives of those around us. Thankfully, a better way always remains open for us: growing up. Just as a grown-up person can lift heavier weights than a child, an emotionally and spiritually grown-up person can handle bigger problems than an adult baby. Growing up means gracefully accepting whatever can’t be changed and gallantly focusing on whatever can be. When we thus take responsibility for our emotions and actions, we discover untapped powers that can enable us to at least not make things worse and at best even make them better. 

By introspecting thoughtfully and consulting someone trustworthy, we can better understand the cause of our resentment and respond appropriately. 

One-sentence summary:

To deal with resentment, know when to stand up to the world by being assertive and when to stand up to yourself by growing up.

Think it over:

  • What are the two causes of resentment?
  • How can we deal with resentment caused by others exploiting us?
  • How can we deal with resentment caused by our whininess?

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18.35: And that determination which cannot go beyond dreaming, fearfulness, lamentation, moroseness and illusion – such unintelligent determination, O son of Prutha, is in the mode of darkness.